How to have a productive morning

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This week, I am using up the last of my annual leave from work. I left it a little too late to make any formal plan for the week, and I decided that it would be financially unwise to go on a last minute holiday with Christmas so close (regaling my friends and family with stories from my excursion, only to give them socks for Christmas might raise a few eyebrows). Instead, I’ve decided to take each day as it comes, and take the time to improve myself. Here’s my guide on how to set a morning routine.

  • Wake up at a set time to get off to a flying start.

Reality: Wake up to the postman banging on the door, try not to go flying across the bedroom as you avoid obstacles, with a t shirt half way over your head. Find out you’ve overslept.

  • Exercise.

Reality: Overdo it with exercise as a way of punishing yourself for oversleeping. Wonder how many more sets of sit-ups you can do before giving yourself a hernia, then tell yourself you’re being a pussy. Do one more set. Before going for a run, make sure to spend half an hour trying to find the best running app. Because running without an app won’t work, obviously.

  • Meditate

Reality: Stroke lethargic cat and ponder her mental capacity. Based on the fact that she lost a cat toy yesterday, only to find it directly under her feet, you come to the conclusion that she’s a bit dim. Re-evaluate the situation when you realise that if she had a little finger, you would be wrapped around it. Secretly wish you were a cat.

  • Go for a brisk jog:

Reality: Finally get the motivation to run (bypassing the app, because fuck routine), notice that it’s becoming easier, and that you are making better progress as the weeks go by. Sit down to make passers by think you are just tying your shoe, when really you are just trying to catch your breath. Tell yourself (for the 100th time) that you need to quit smoking. Including the times when you are completely shithoused.

  • Get ready for the rest of the day.

Reality: Shower, realise that you haven’t worked up a sweat from working out and running. Briefly ponder whether it’s because you haven’t pushed yourself hard enough, but reassure yourself that it’s because you went outside in a t shirt in November, and it’s cold as balls.

  • Life admin

Reality: This is just a phrase that has appeared out of nowhere. It is vague enough that you can send a five minute email, then reward yourself by watching a half hour episode of a TV show you’ve been binge watching. Create a list of things you need to get done, in order to force yourself into action- organisation is the key to productivity. Look at Buzzfeed for five minutes. Maybe ten.

  • Write a blog post about a morning routine

Reality: Stop procrastinating, Dave. Stop procrastinating, Dave. Stop procrastinating, Dave.

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